Gundam Wing: NG: Memories
by Sailor Centauri
Summary: Cassi, Kaito and Meg have been through a lot together over the last year, so read to find out what their thoughts are about what has happened to them so far
1. Blue Dreams: Cassi's Thoughts

Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Gundam Wing, it belongs to the creators. However, the character Cassidy 'Cassi' Noin who is thinking these things is my character and I worked quite hard to create her. As did my friends who created Meg Maxwell and Kaito Barton who are also mentioned in this ficlet, so please don't take any of them ok.

Special notice: I would once again like to thank BMK and Ryastarling for Role Playing with me, without them Gundam Wing: NG would not have come about, so thanks you two. :-)

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Cassi sighed as she brushed a strand of her sapphire blue hair behind her ear; it was way past midnight and here she was standing outside in the cold conditions of Sabel Island. She'd taken her bike out and quite a way down the road from the main base, and had driven to a spot she'd located on a map of the island. It was quite a way from where the base was situated and the drive usually took a good half hour, but she didn't mind as it looked over a pretty view of the ocean. Her bike was parked behind a large rock near the cliff edge, right in her range of vision, although no one would really go out there to steal a bike at midnight. Then again, she thought to herself, the way the world is today I'm beginning to wander what is and what isn't possible? A gentle and cool breeze picked up and whipped her hair gently, whilst causing a faint red blush to appear on her face. What am I doing? She wandered to herself. Why am I out here on a cold night, with only my jacket and a couple of rocks for company? The thought seemed utterly ridiculous at some times, but at others Cassi felt as if she needed to be alone. Sure being around Kaito and Meg was a great thing, but sometimes it could feel a bit crowded in there.

Rubbing her arms to warn away the cold, she stared at the ocean. The water was swelling beneath her, and the waves crashed against the base of the cliff. She could hear that noise above all else, above the noise of a plane flying overhead and above the screeching of an owl. She looked down at the white-capped waves, watching the 'white horses' of the sea ride up on the tops of the surf. Blue eyes surveyed the sky next, watching the stars twinkle merrily above her head. The moon was full that night, full and shining like polished silver. A gentle halo hovered around it, suggesting frost the next morning.

"Why would anyone live beyond this?" Cassi asked herself as she rubbed her arms again. "I know mom says the view from space is amazing, but it can't compare with the view of it from here. Why in heck's name am I talking to myself?" Shrugging she carried on her vidual. She did this sort of thing frequently and never explained to Kaito or Meg why she occasionally disappeared while they were still awake, or why for some reason when they woke that they found her bike engine was still warm. True she could stay out there for hours at a time, just staring and thinking. She was glad it hadn't occurred to her fellow pilots to follow her out there; otherwise she'd be at a loss as to how to explain everything.

She wouldn't really know what to say anyway, it wasn't like she could tell them she'd come out here to get away from them, as at times both her fellow pilots could be quite loud and boisterous. Kaito had grown up since his run in with OZ, but he still joked around quite a bit and Meg sometimes got a bit too loud. Cassi wasn't naturally a loud girl, she was confident yeah and sure of herself, but loud she'd never be. Meg had been right to think she was rather quiet and Cassi preferred to stay that way. Her mother also thought that she was too quiet, and had once sent her to several clubs aside from martial arts, in a hope that she'd come out of her shell so to speak. The thing was and Cassi had often said this, was that she had no trouble talking to people she just preferred to do it in her own way.

"I wish you were here dad," she whispered. "You'd understand, I know you would." Indeed her father had understood her better than her mother, he'd actually also objected to Cassi being enrolled in several things she detested. Drama club, tennis club and volleyball club but to name a few. Cassi had always hated sports she never really saw the point in them. Martial arts although considered a sport to some, she considered more spiritual like others and far more advanced then hitting a ball over a net with a hand or racket. Ok the Drama club had helped her as she had to learn to act as a gundam pilot, couldn't go around doing something and not know how to make it real even when it wasn't.

Walking over to where her bike stood, Cassi sat down on a flat part of the huge stone. It to was cold and she could feel it on her skin, even though she was wearing jeans. Ignoring it she continued to stare at the endless boundary of ocean and sky, the boundary that seemed connected and never able to end.

"Father?" she asked the empty air around her. "Do you think I'm doing the right thing being a gundam pilot? I mean, it's bringing nothing but pain and suffering where there shouldn't be any pain and suffering at all. People my own age have died at my hands, my hands are stained with the blood of innocent people who were doing what I am, fighting for their beliefs. Although causing world domination through war is hardly a good thing." She chuckled to herself, and her breath billowed up in front of her on the night air. She could see the small plumes of steam rising from her mouth, and the cold wind brushed her lips making them feel tingly and turning them a light shade of blue. Why was she talking to thin air? It wasn't like her father could hear her questions anyway, he'd been dead since she was 8-years-old. That was seven years now, seven years alone with her mother. Cassi could not believe that for all she was worth. She had never totally seen eye to eye with her mom, even though she loved her. She guessed it was because her mom had always suppressed her want to learn the history of war, Cassi had only wanted to understand why their had been talk of destruction and thankfully her father had explained it to her in ways a child would understand. When he'd been killed as a result of trying to keep wars from starting again, she'd been resentful of war and hated it, she still did. She often thought back to her mom trying to stop her from learning about war, maybe she'd only been trying to keep her from the horrors of death after all, not like the death of her father wouldn't have brought about these feelings in the end anyway.

Why her mom had kept it from her she didn't know, she'd found out herself by listening in on the phone call her mother had made, complaining to her friend Sally that it shouldn't have happened. She clearly remembered that day, as if it were only yesterday.

Flashback

"No Sally, that is not an excuse!" she heard her mother shouting.

Cassi quietly got out of bed and walked over to her bedroom door, slowly pulling it open she stepped out of her darkened room and into the hallway light before slowly and carefully making her way down the staircase, and luckily the stairs didn't creak. She stopped outside the living room where her mom was sitting with a handheld phone to her head, and she could see tears streaking the older blue-haired woman's face.

"No sally, I won't hear of it!" her mom had shouted angrily at the woman on the end of the phone. "Don't you understand that I now have to raise my daughter on my own, a daughter who has practically nothing in common with me besides my looks? How do you think I can cope with it?" Cassi couldn't hear what Sally had said, as she couldn't hear the other end of the phone conversation, but she was obviously trying to calm her mom down.

"Sally," she had said trying to calm her raging anger. "Cassi will not understand, she's 8-years-old for goodness sake. How can I tell an 8-year-old that her father and hero has been killed? She won't even understand the meaning of the word. Damn it, she'll hate me even more now." Her mother was silent once again, as once more she listened to the response coming from the other end of the phone line.

"Perhaps you should come and tell her," she argued. "You come and tell my little girl that. If she was close to me I'm sure things would be fine, but she was very close to her dad and loved him dearly. No Sally, she's just going to have to be kept in the dark, I could NOT bare the thought of my daughter hating me."

Cassi sat on the stairs listening quietly, what did her mother think she was? Naïve? She knew what death was as her father had told her long ago when he'd told her about war. She'd insisted on knowing, although when she asked what heaven was like, her father had sugar coated everything saying it was made of puffy white candy floss and candy canes. She could just tell by the tone he had used at the time, that that was not totally true. Hearing her mom say a final tearful goodbye to Sally, she hurriedly got up and made her way quickly and quietly back to her room, only to have her mother come in to see her a few minutes later.

Pretending to be asleep, she felt her mother sit down on the edge of her bed and begin to stroke her then long sapphire blue hair. She could hear her crying still, and could feel the occasional removal of her mother's hand as she wiped her face with it. Keeping her eyes closed, she heard her mother state several things to her, including things like: I'm so sorry sweetie and, my poor angel what will I ever tell her?

End flashback

Angel? Cassi thought back cynically. She was far from being an angel and she'd actually made life hard for her mother after she'd found out about her dad, so hard that she had heard her mother crying when she'd been in her room. She knew the woman her mother had called Sally relatively well, as she'd come over several times to talk to her and she'd heard her mother stating that she was always asking for her father or always playing up if she didn't get her questions answered, and Sally being a doctor had tried to talk to her herself, but Cassi simply wanted the truth told to her face and she never got it. She'd given up trying eventually, but it never sent things back to the way they had been. She was still no angel, and she still made things hard for her mother. Just because she'd stopped asking about her dad, didn't mean that she hadn't found another way to become a pain. She'd literally separated herself from her mom, refusing to let anything she suggested interest her. She still loved her mom, but it was a distant love that she had only ever admitted to once and that was to Meg. She'd sworn her never to say anything or she'd never speak to her again, and thankfully Meg kept her word.

Not wishing to think about her parents any longer as it greatly upset her to think about her father, she turned to thinking about the current war, the battles, the deaths and most of all Kaizer. The womanizing pretty boy as she referred to him, the same man who gave her and her friends most of the trouble during their time as pilots, and he was still doing it. When they weren't on missions, she rarely gave him a thought, but when out on a mission or in a battle, his taunting voice always entered her mind. She hated him, he'd hurt Kaito and Meg and her to, but she rarely ever worried about herself as she only saw it as part of her life now. Typical gundam pilot thought, she thought to herself. I wander what would happen if he were to die or fall from glory, she thought as an image of her most hated adversary entered her mind. Who would care or remember him? Probably most of OZ and only OZ, she thought venomously, certainly no gundam pilot would mourn his passing. She often thought about how Meg had muttered about getting Kaizer back for treating her the way he had and she agreed he needed to be taught a lesson, but it wasn't THAT simple.

He'd destroyed her gundam, although granted it wasn't in total working order at the time anyway. He'd manipulated Meg, tried to brainwash Kaito and had kidnapped her to lure them out. There was something else she hated, being the youngest and the smallest. It made her seem like the weakest and although she could protect herself, everyone had started seeing her as the baby. Meg and Kaito were forever looking out for her and granted as a gundam pilot looking out for your allies was a good thing, and as friends, but sometimes it just went too far. Kaito and Meg both referred to her at times as little one or babes, and she hated it but she never had it in her to say so as it wasn't continuous, if it was thought she'd have bitten their heads off by now. Kaizer taunted her with it the most though, forever calling her little one when they met anywhere, that fuelled her enough to give him several good wallops when they fought, even though she often ended up with Meg and Kaito getting her out of a death threatening situation over and over again.

"Cassi don't underestimate Kaizer," Meg had warned her after one particular battle. "You've seen what he can do, it's really dangerous."

"Yeah, never go up against him on your own," Kaito had agreed, although in one particular battle she really hadn't had a choice. "Next time you could get yourself killed."

"Yes I know," she had replied to their comments.

That was a stupid thing to say in her opinion, wasn't that the whole point of being a gundam pilot? Wasn't going out and putting your life on the line all the time the whole idea? Obviously she must have skipped something or something had been left out, that stated only under certain circumstances should she risk her life for something. Why was her most recent part full of something's, she wandered. Getting up she checked her watch, to see that it was quarter to one in the morning, but she didn't feel like heading back yet, and instead making sure her bike was secure, she ventured along the cliff a little further, where walking was the only option. Finding a stone she picked it up and threw it as hard as she could; it sailed through the air and hit the ocean causing a massive splash in the blue green water. A fountain sprang up and she strangely felt better, like she'd thrown her agitation away with the stone. Her thoughts traveled now to others she knew, the former gundam pilots and their allies and, at this thought she actually shivered, the woman known as Relena Darlian. She was the vice foreign minister and was working hard to bring peace to a world once again riddled by war, fat lot of good she was doing as nothing was helping.

Why war? Cassi thought. Why should we go through the same rigmarole over and over again? There's no point in it, our predecessors fought in a war to bring peace and they got it, for the time being anyway. Her thoughts traveled to Quatre, Heero, Wufei and Meg's and Kaito's fathers Duo and Trowa. What did they think of this war? What did they think of everything they'd worked for and tried to prevent, only ending up in another war? It was like trying to read a blank book with Trowa, Wufei and Heero, but she knew somehow that Quatre and Duo hated the thought of it. Duo was worried about Meg that was his reasoning. He didn't want her out there in battles where her life was in danger, despite how much she took after him and fought anyway. Quatre was a kindly soul and it seemed natural for him to be against war, even though he'd fought in one. Then again what about Trowa, was he so hard to read as she thought? Thinking back she considered the fact that he was good at hiding his feelings, and that he hated the thought of Kaito dying. Her mother did to, she realized, that was why she had tried to make her swear never to fight and she had never listened. It was in her blood and her friends blood anyway, fighting would've come about eventually whether their parents like it or not. They must believe having only one-child sucks, she thought to herself and she laughed out loud. Yeah they must do, that would explain the over protectiveness they show from day to day.

It was very true about her and her friends being only children, she and Meg were only daughters and of course Kaito was an only son although his parents were both still alive so the option of having more than one child wasn't out of the question. Although she doubted Trowa would ever want another kid, he had enough on his plate putting up with just the one. Kaito was known for his off hand jokes and she knew Trowa blamed Duo for his son's behavior, but it was possible it wasn't totally Duo's fault. He's lucky, she thought to herself, he has two people to go to and Meg and I don't. Meg had lost her mom and she'd lost her dad, goodness the world didn't half suck. She picked up another rock and threw it hard, once again relieving her tension.

By then it was half one, and she was considering heading back. She didn't need Meg having another one of her psychic dreams and getting worried about her. Yet it was too peaceful out here to want to leave, maybe just a little longer, it certainly wouldn't kill her. She looked down at the drop before her and reconsidered her last thought, and smirked. Yeah it would kill me, if I wasn't careful, but I wouldn't do that now would I? She'd often considered the prospect of death, wandering what would happen if she were to be put so close to it. It had happened once after her one battle with Kazier, she'd have died if Kaito hadn't saved her from the brink of death. He'd carried her away from it, but she'd still been close to giving up when she'd been in that coma, and she'd scared the hell out of her mother, Kaito and the others. Meg had no idea of course, but when she'd come round after her incident with Kaizer, she realized how close she'd come to losing Cassi. It wasn't like Cassi hadn't thought about the prospect of committing suicide in some way, be it in battle or be it not. She remembered the stage she'd gone through of her missing her father, how many a time she'd found herself thinking about how she could kill herself to be with him. She'd soon squashed that thought when Sally had come to see her, informing her that her mom had seen a strange look in her eyes several times and how she'd thought that she would take her own life. Sally had said that her mom blamed herself for this and that she thought that her own daughter blamed her for her father's death. Cassi hadn't blamed her mother for his death, she knew who was to blame for that and she still hated the preventors, which was why her mom hadn't bothered joining up with them. No, she blamed her mom for not telling her straight to her face about the incident, she blamed her for not being honest. She was a growing girl, she'd have learned sooner or later anyway so telling her wouldn't have taken much of an effort.

Her eyes glistened with tears, but not wanting to show herself as a weak baby even to mother nature, she fought them back. Deciding as she looked at her watch and realized that it was nearly well after 2am that she'd best start back, she began her walk back along the cliff and towards where her bike was still parked. Remarkably it was still there, then again she was practically on a cliff at the far end of Sabel Island at an ungodly hour of the morning, so if there were anyone else up there then she'd be quite surprised. She stopped by her bike and placed her hand on the engine, it had been static for so long that it had cooled and the cold air didn't help either. Frowning she pulled her keys from her pocket and placed them in the ignition, and giving it a good turn, started the engine. She'd be here another good five or ten minutes while she waited for it to warm up again, so she at on it and leant on the handlebars. This time her thoughts fell to her two friends, the two friends she'd come out here to avoid for a while.

Kaito and Meg were truly really good to her, they meant well when they tried to protect her and she didn't mind deep down, but at times they could be a little patronizing for lack of a better word. Shifting her weight slightly, Cassi sighed and blew on her cold hands.

"Don't get me wrong," she said to no one in particular. "But I so wish it wasn't so hard to be myself around them and not be treated like the baby of the three. And why the hell am I talking to myself again?" She'd found that she did that a lot when she was alone, that she tended to speak to the open air as if some invisible presence was listening to her every thought and word.

"I guess I shouldn't worry," she said. "Nobody knows, so why be concerned. Nature won't think any different of me. At least I hope not." Smiling she pulled her helmet on and fastened the safety catch beneath her chin, before checking her engine. She was ready to go and kicking up the stabilizer, she turned the bike around and head away from the cliff.

I wander if there's a reason for all of this, she thought finally as she rode down the empty roads of Sabel Island. Nobody else would be out in this weather at night, aside the local preventor police force that is. Grinning she wandered if they'd see her and come to ask why she was out at that hour, but since she hadn't seen sight nor sound of them yet, she figured they were doing something else where. Hopeless she thought, can't keep a war from starting and can't keep a 15-year-old girl from getting a driving license and driving around at well after 2am. She chuckled lightly and that was soon followed by a yawn, before she found herself back at the base. Slowing down she brought the bike to a halt, and turned the engine off. No use waking the others who lived there with the noise. She walked her cycle down a secret ramp and through a small garage like door, before locking it up for the night. Kaito and Meg will probably ask why my engines hot if it still is when they wake up, she thought. They'll probably go through the whole rigmarole of as to why to, like I'll tell them though. Cassi smiled at this, she loved keeping them guessing, it was the only thing that currently offered some amusement.

Having removed her helmet, gloves and jacket and having thrown them over her bike she headed up into the main house. As she suspected Kaito and Meg's rooms were dark and quiet, and she could hear that they were both sound asleep as she listened at their doors before heading into her own room. Yawning tiredly she didn't bother changing, but simply kicked her shoes off and lay down on her bed with her throw over her. Well that's the end of another day, she thought. Tomorrow will hold more surprises I suspect although they won't be THAT surprising.

Closing her eyes, Cassi fell asleep. She knew inside that Kaito and Meg would question her in the morning, they always did for some reason like a sixth sense had developed between the three and maybe it had. After all, when you worked so closely with someone and cared deeply about him or her, the realms of possibility became endless.

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Please R&R and let me know what you think.


	2. Silent Memories: Kaito's Thoughts

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing obviously. And of course I don't own the pilot thinking these thoughts, he belong to my good friend BMK.

Special notice: BMK and Ryastarling made this whole Gundam Wing: NG thing work out great, and I have enjoyed working with them and hope to continue working with them for a while. Thanks to BMK for letting me add this to Cassi's thoughts to.

Anyways these are Kaito Bartons thoughts on his life, friends/family and the current Gundam war. BMK did an excellent job on this I have to say, it really makes you think.

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It was a dark night, as the stars and moon hid themselves behind the darkened clouds. It had to have been about midnight by now. I'd already been out here for about an hour and a half. It was cold but I ignored it as I stared up at the starless sky. I always liked to sit outside and watch the stars when I needed time to think. I watched them as if they could give me the answers to all my questions and fulfill every wish I'd ever had.  
  
It had been a few weeks since Meg and Cassi had both disappeared. Not to mention how much of a shock it had been when they'd both just up and left. Quatre had reassured me that Cassi was safe and had just taken some time off but he refused to tell me where she'd gone no matter how much I pestered him. I supposed he knew what he was doing though, so I didn't worry about her too much.  
  
I was currently leaning on the balcony of my room in the Sanq Palace and watching the night go by. I felt like he was going insane not to mention how useless I felt. Who knows what might have been be going on at the Oz bases at that very moment. Who knows where Meg might have been at that time. For all I knew she could have gotten herself killed, or worse.  
  
I slammed my fist on the railing cursing the red head for being so stupid. How could she just leave like that? Weren't we close enough that she could trust me? What the heck was going through that head of hers? What had Kaizer done to change her so much? So many questions, and every passing second added more questions to the list of those still unanswered.  
  
I sighed as I looked down at the ground below and watched as several individuals said their goodbyes and then wandering off in different directions. Probably going home I supposed.  
  
I wondered how much they really knew about this war. It was obvious by their clothing that they'd been Sanq Guards. Did they know that the new pilots were just a handful of kids like the last group had been? Did they know that most of the enemy pilots were just kids as well? Did they know how well the enemy was prepared and how well they were able to manipulate people?  
  
I sighed to myself and looked away. I liked being along just as much as I liked having company. Sometimes I felt like I had two personalities. Ya, call me schizo. It was true though. Part of me was like my father, always quiet, calm and thoughtful, not to mention skilled. Then there was my other half, which my dad always said reminded him of Duo on too much caffeine, the fun loving, smart alec who's always up for a joke or a prank.  
  
Of course, that fun loving side of me had all but disappeared over the past few months. All the war and seriousness left little time to be a kid. I knew well enough when to be serious and this was the time. We were at war and we didn't need me acting like an idiot the whole time.  
  
Even Duo knew when to draw the line. I don't remember him smiling even once during the last few months. Everything that had happened over the last little while had to have been hard on him. By this time he was walking around looking like Wufei in a woman's wig. I couldn't blame him though. Things weren't going so well.  
  
At first I thought it would be a blast. An adventure like you'd read in storybooks. Sure, by that time I was already in the middle of this adventure as I had infiltrated the Oz organization, but now we were really fighting, with gundams. We were now officially known as gundam pilots. It was a dream come true at the beginning but it soon turned into a nightmare.  
  
The adults thought we were crazy for becoming so close when we all knew how much danger we put ourselves through each day. I could barely comprehend how they stayed alive if they couldn't work together. Wufei, Heero and my dad, as I'd heard, had always been real loners and always preferred to fight alone. Duo and Quatre weren't as keen with that idea and preferred at least some kind of teamwork. I just couldn't see them surviving with this new Oz.  
  
Of course, our friendship didn't seem to be doing very well anyway. I'd betrayed them, after Oz had caught me spying on them and done those freaky experiments on me. I couldn't believe I'd actually gone back there after the girls had gotten me out. Then of course, Meg goes and decides she wants to fly Neo Wing Zero and nearly gets herself killed. Then she goes and betrays us to Oz.  
  
Betray... was that even the right word? She'd been brainwashed even worse then I had been. I'd been so shocked when she hadn't recognized me at the ball. I'd wanted so much to wipe the smirk off of Kaizer's face when I'd seen him. What a conceited Ottawa Senators Fan he was. Meg had been all but clueless as to who he was. Thankfully, somewhere deep inside her mind she could still remember us. I was thankful for that but somewhere in the back of my mind I didn't think we'd ever fully get her back.  
  
Truth was, we didn't fully get her back. Not the way she'd been before Kaizer had messed with her that is. Right when we'd thought we'd had her back she attacked us. I could barely remember what had happened. I could have sworn she'd been about to kiss me... before she shot me that is.  
  
I remember waking up in a daze and looking around confused. By that point, the fire was being taken care of and we were all outside. I can still remember the anger that filled me at the thought of what Meg had done. It burned even more as I watched Quatre try to take care of Cassi as Sally checked me over. I'd been rather surprised at this, wondering why she was working on me when Cassi was in such worse state. She'd replied with, "We don't need you in a coma from blood loss. One's enough." I suppose she was right about that but I was so worried about Cassi.  
  
I couldn't even bare to look over at Meg. I was so angry with her. Not only had she betrayed us, but she'd attacked us and then she expected us to forgive her? Actually, I knew Meg well enough to know that she wasn't expecting forgiveness for what she'd done. I was glad at that because at that point, I couldn't even conceive of forgiving her. What she'd done was unforgivable in my mind. I still hadn't forgiven myself for what I'd nearly done.  
  
I can still remember the next few days. I made it clear that I didn't want anything to do with Meg and avoided her as best I could. I knew that if I came too close to her I was likely to do something I'd regret later on. Somewhere deep inside me I'd wanted to forgive her and have things back to the way they were, but every time I walked into the hospital wing, every time I saw Cassi lying there, unconscious because of what Meg did, all the negative emotions came pouring back in.  
  
I really don't know what I'll do if Meg comes back. I guess I've sort of forgiven her but that doesn't change what happened. I don't know if I'll ever really trust her again. Of course, I wouldn't expect the girls to trust me either.  
  
Why did things have to go so wrong for us? Had it been this bad for the original gundam pilots? Had my dad gone through similar experiences? I knew the answer was no. Oz Generation X was much stronger and much smarter. They'd already been through one war and weren't going to make the same mistakes again.  
  
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if Oz Generation X hadn't been created. What if all of it had never happened? The three of us would have met and maybe we'd still be friends now. Three friends, without a care in the world. No war, no fighting, no death and no betrayals.  
  
"I wish," I scoffed to myself as I jumped up on the railing and walked along it calmly, trying to clear my thoughts. There would always be people out there looking to cause trouble and war. Peace never seems to last when it comes to the human race. Humans are far too stupid to realize how much pain they cause when they fight.  
  
"I got to get out of here," I mumbled to myself as I leapt off the balcony railing to the ground bellow. I landed gracefully on my feet and began to walk away, looking back only once at the place I'd grown up in. Sometimes I wanted to just run away from it all but I knew that if I did I'd never forgive myself. That was the coward's way out and I wasn't a coward.  
  
I sighed as I headed towards the traveling circus that had arrived in town only a few days ago. It was the circus my aunt Catherine worked at and the one my father use to work at before he became a Sanq Guard. I'd always loved visiting my aunt there. She was always someone I could talk to.  
  
When I was 9 I use to sneak over whenever the circus came to town and she'd show me some tricks. Eventually, after some practice, her and me began to do acts together. We were a real hit. I loved performing with her; she really was an inspiration. She might not have been a warrior but from what I'd heard from my parents she'd played a rather big role in the war. If it hadn't been for her, my father would never have gotten his memories back.  
  
I knew she wasn't my real aunt as my father had explained that he was an orphan and had been raised by mercenaries. When he'd become part of the circus he and my aunt Catherine had become very close and they'd sort of adopted each other. She'd explained to me one night that she'd lost a younger brother when she was very young and that my father reminded her of him a lot.  
  
I hadn't seen her since I became an official gundam pilot. I wondered what she'd think of me fighting in a war like my father had. She'd probably be mad at me for it. She was rather overprotective of those she cared about. She hated war so much and had always told me that it hurt her to know that my father had put his life in danger every day during the last war.  
  
I sighed and glanced up as I neared the circus. It was late so I walked quietly as to avoid waking anyone up, and slowly made my way to the back of the large tent to the cages where the animals were kept. I often liked to sit and talk to them, as I knew they'd always keep my secrets. It was always peaceful around there as most of the people were afraid of the lions, who could be rather touchy.  
  
"Hey there guys," I whispered as I neared the cage that held those very lions. My father had taught me how to deal with them when I was younger. I wasn't afraid of the beasts and couldn't quite comprehend why anyone else would be. I kneeled next to the cage as the lions stirred from their sleep and wandered over to great me. I slowly put my hand into the cage and smiled as the male lion brought his head down for me to stoke. They really were just big babies.  
  
If only humans were like lions or any other animals for that matter. Animals didn't kill for pleasure. They killed out of sheer need. If they needed food they killed for it. Other then that they didn't kill anything unless they were attacked. Animals didn't have huge wars. They didn't hate or hold grudges. I sighed wondering how long ago humans were like them. Maybe evolution wasn't such a good thing after all?  
  
My mind wandered to Cassi at that point. She'd always been the gentlest of the group I suppose. Whether it was because she was the youngest or not, I probably wouldn't ever know. To me, she was the one that held us together. Without her, our team would never have come to be. We'd probably all have gone off on our own to fight Oz and probably all be dead by now.  
  
I could see the war being a lot harder on the two girls as they'd both lost so much already while I hadn't really lost much. Both had lost parents before this war had even started while I still had both my parents as well as my aunt. Not to mention the fact that Cassi had nearly gotten killed several times now and Meg had been completely brainwashed while I had been, semi brainwashed and only slightly injured. I felt terrible for them, not to mention a little guilty even though I knew I had no say in the matter. Everything always seemed to go wrong for the two of them while I always seemed to make it out ok.  
  
I sighed as I continued to stoke the great beast in front of me. His fur was warm to the touch and their light purrs comforted me some but I still couldn't ignore the turbulent thoughts that wandered aimlessly through my mind. So many feelings, so many questions and so many problems wandering through my head and slowly driving me insane. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.  
  
I sighed slightly as I stood up and stroked both lions one last time before I turned to leave my sanctuary. My body ached from stress and I could hardly keep my eyes open as I slowly wandered back towards the Sanq Palace. I half wondered whether or not they'd realized I was missing yet. Probably not, they all had their own lives to worry about.  
  
I glanced up at the sky again as I walked. A few stars were starting to peek through the cloud barrier. I smiled slightly as I watched them twinkle up above like an omen. Perhaps for once, it was an omen that meant something good would happen. I doubted it of course. I'd found myself growing a lot more cynical over the past few months. I guess after seeing to many terrible things happen, it was hard to believe things would get better.  
  
Soon enough, the Sanq Palace came into sight and I headed towards my room window. No one was around and most of the lights were out, which meant that everyone was asleep at last. I was half surprised to see the light in Heero's room was out. The former Wing Gundam Pilot usually stayed up most of the night.  
  
I finally reached the wall were my room was and glanced up at it. I sighed as I knelt down slightly and leapt into the air, landing gracefully on the balcony just below mine. I then leapt up again and grabbed the railing and flipped over top of it and landed gently on my balcony.  
  
I yawned slightly, weary from lack of sleep and headed inside my room, closing the sliding glass door behind me. I didn't even bother changing into my nightclothes as I plopped onto the bed and got under the covers. It was nice to get out of the cold night air and under the warm blankets.  
  
As I closed my eyes my mind wandered to thoughts of what mind happen tomorrow. More fighting perhaps? Maybe Cassi would come back or at least contact us. Maybe Meg would even return or contact us. Only god and the fates knew what was in store for me in the future but somehow I had the feeling, whatever it was, wasn't going to be anything good.  
  
It was hard to believe it had been less then a year since this war had begun. It felt like an eternity. An eternity of hell on earth with war, violence, injury and betrayal. And every day brought more of each to our doorstep. More problems to face and more fighting to save the peace that, in my mind, had never even been achieved.  
  
I sighed slightly as I shifted in my bed and yawned again. It took a few more minutes, but sleep soon found me and I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

R&R if you want to see Meg's thoughts, which will be coming up next. 


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